Everyone is an individual

Everyone is an individual

Jesus Christ – I surely haven’t run out of things to say after eight blog entries. If I think long and hard enough I’m bound to come up with something. I mean, half the point of writing this shit is to accept the fact that I’ve been diagnosed with bipolar, and if I can’t come up with anything to write, am I bipolar enough to write a blog on being bipolar?

In my last entry I ranted a little about being called out as not bipolar and here I am now backing that up. Shite. This must be what writer’s block is like. I’m not claiming to be a writer or anything, but I am writing stuff and I can’t think of anything so I think that qualifies. I also have no doubt that I am bipolar.

Thinking back to the time I spent in a mental health clinic, in group therapy one of the things that was discussed was that everyone’s depression was different. One person’s extremely bad day was another person’s good day. Depression is all relative. With this block, I’m over-thinking again – I just need to write some shit and see where it leads to.

As well as each of us having our own flavour of depression, we all had our favourite ‘keeping hold of our shit when depressed’ songs – mine was Coming Back to Life by Pink Floyd. We got to play them to each other in our sessions. One lady who was the epitome of understated cool chose a Bob Marley song. I won’t say which one as I’m sure that’s covered by some sort of privilege or something – and her backstory was incredible, but even though I loved the song, it wasn’t my song. My song when I’m down will always be Coming Back to Life.

The key thing I think I’m getting to now (in a really around-the-houses sort of way) is that each person’s experience with mental health issues is very personal; just as is each person’s taste in music. Your mental health doesn’t follow a set path just like your taste in music can change. It is a sneaky bastard and is invisible to others most of the time. You can feel great one minute and shit the next. Uplifting gospel music flipping to Radiohead’s Creep. 

There is not a set cyclical path to my state. I might feel normal for a week or two and then I might yo-yo up and down for a while and then feel shit all of a sudden. Then sometimes I could fall into the darkest pit of despair and think that my life wasn’t worth living. Most of the time I look the same though, so to anyone else I’m just regular old Paul. Paul looks and acts fairly normal most of the time irrespective of how I am feeling. Maybe that’s why I don’t seem bipolar to others.

What triggers these changes in mood and behaviour could be a significant event, or the most innocuous thing you could imagine. I’m not talking chaos theory here – when a butterfly flaps its wings in Japan I get triggered onto a massive high and all that shit. No, I’m talking about a single word spoken by someone, or a look towards me that I interpret in the wrong way. Hell, sometimes my brain just decides that it is going to be a wanker for a while without any assistance. Often though, the shift downwards will be because my brain has engineered the fact that I have done something bad, or at least behaved in a non-me way. That part is not fair as it is always untrue. 

Where these shifts lead me to is completely random. Most of the time it isn’t too bad with the highs and lows not being too different, but on several occasions it has led me to a very dark place.

Medication is now helping to stem the changes of tide. I can still feel the variations in mood, but it seems like my brain is ignoring them. Right now I feel as if I should be up, but that there is something holding me back. For several weeks I have been very relaxed when I know I would have ordinarily experienced heightened periods of anxiety and depression over a period of this duration. This is a very weird, but entirely acceptable consequence of meds. Staying between the guide rails and keeping me on-track courtesy of quetiapine.

I’ll take the trade-off of meds for my sanity any day.

Not sure if I wrote anything of interest here, but it has been good for me writing it.

Scully

Related Posts

Optimism

Optimism

Friday Morning Book Club

Friday Morning Book Club

An Incredible Journey

An Incredible Journey

I’m not vegan, but whole food plant based meals – what harm can a few do?

I’m not vegan, but whole food plant based meals – what harm can a few do?

3 Comments

  1. I think a lot of what you have written is very relatable especially depression & mental health: it all affects us differently. Thank you too for sharing allowing me to learn more about what bipolar is etc x

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

  • Optimism
    Trying to change my bumper stickers from: To something like: Think I need to work on this a little. https://www.justgiving.com/fundraising/paulrunsformind
  • Friday Morning Book Club
    Maybe it bothers you, or maybe it doesn’t, but if you have a physical disability, a physical difference, or anything about you that manifests visually you can recognise it...
  • An Incredible Journey
    When I was about eight years old I wrote a story at school. I have no idea what we were supposed to be writing about, but apparently I had...
  • I’m not vegan, but whole food plant based meals – what harm can a few do?
    It might be front of mind because I have just read the book “Finding Ultra” by the massively accomplished ultra endurance athlete Rich Roll, but eating too many processed...
  • Sorting out a gym
    I think it is probably illegal to burn twenty pound notes, but that’s what I’m more of less doing each month. I’m shelling out just over £40 for a...

Recent Comments