I am now a proper runner

I am now a proper runner

In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth. And the earth was without form, and void; and darkness was upon the face of the deep. And Paul thought – that sounds like an ideal running route. And from that day forward much did he run, adding Genesis to his running playlist for additional comedic effect.

Apologies to anyone who thinks the above is a desecration of The Bible text – I thought it was quite funny and I don’t think God would mind very much. I mean, I was brought up a Christian so I think I have some credits in the bank. I’m screwed if he doesn’t have a sense of humour.

Anyway, I am feeling quite pious tonight as I have become a proper runner. For years I have felt like a complete fraud every time I have slipped on one of my many pairs of trainers, donned one of my 507 running tops, wrapped my Shokz headphones round my head, hit play on my Spotify running list and pressed that essential start on my running watch so I can track how shit I am.

Why have I felt like a fraud? For once I’m not going to harp on about bipolar – this is much worse: I was not a member of a running club (I could not be arsed). I have seen formations of runners out on the streets and I felt utterly threatened by them. I could never join their ranks as I know nothing about form, thought gait was a misspelling of gate and am not wafer thin. At one point in my life I was fairly thin, but then I’d just come out of a mental health hospital and my metabolism had been running at a million miles an hour. Well that, and the fact that I didn’t drink anything for about six months. Damn you beer.

But then I did this:

In the top right hand corner of the screenshot is my name, and this means that I have actually joined a bonafide running club. The Bad Boy Running Club. I mean, it’s online so I don’t have to meet anyone unless I want to, and it has a cool name. I am a sucker for marketing. In truth, I saw their stand at The Running Show and thought they all looked normal. Well normal in a not so normal way. I then listened to their podcast which was by far the best I have ever listened to. It’s the only podcast I’ve ever listened to so that’s not saying much, but it was genuinely funny in a two blokes having a laugh and pissing about sort of way.

So now I’m a proper runner and part of an affiliated club which means I can put their name down when I am entering races. I’m not sure what advantage this gives me outside of a couple of quid off – I’m assuming I’ll go faster when I wear the top I’ll be getting in my welcome pack (along with the gold ingots as promised on their website). I’ve pretty much entered all my races for the year already which is a bit bollox.

I am no longer jealous of my wife who is part of the Wrongens OCR Club. I now have a club of my own I can harp on about. My life is now complete, so if God strikes me down tomorrow because of my opening gambit, well, I’ll be mightily pissed off, but I could understand his (or her) actions.

Scully

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