Learning to live life

Learning to live life

I love my family. I am also learning now that I love some of my friends. Thing is, years ago I used to love loads of other things. I mean you can’t make time for quite as much when you are married with kids compared to when you were a teenager, but you have to make room for something. Being middle aged shouldn’t be a life sentence of drudgery. This has been bugging me for the last few years. At some point I lost interest in the variety of life. 

What else do I love or have a keen interest in these days when I’m just plodding along? Even though I’m bipolar, I’m not always really up or down so there should be something there to fill the void. The honest answer is very little. I’m not sure at what point this general disinterest disorder (let’s give it a name) manifested itself, it seems to have crept up on me from behind and made my life less interesting than it should be. I go to work, I do some exercise, I fix things in the house and sometimes I eat with the family. I don’t do much else than this apart from watch a series or two on Netflix and Amazon when myself and my wife are granted a little chill-out time at the end of the day.

My wife often reminds me to make time for myself and I kind of nod and mumble something back. This must really piss her off as she is trying to help me. She is right – making time for yourself is critical to achieving some degree of happiness. Unless you do this you have no chance of making the most out of life and you could end up resenting those who are in fact having some fun.

Over the last couple of days I have started to think that maybe my inability to enjoy life to the fullest is a symptom of bipolar. It wouldn’t half make sense – my increasing lack of interest in many parts of life fits chronologically with my bipolar taking hold. I know on many occasions that I have deemed myself undeserving of having a good time, and this thought chain really does blight my life. I need to address this head on, so I will.

I am going to start to enjoy myself again under the banner of treating bipolar. I’m not sure if this will crop up on the CBT I am starting to learn from my psychologist, but it seems like a good idea and I’m going to give it a shot.

I am getting a great degree of satisfaction from writing this blog which is a good start, but I need to do more. I used to love skiing, playing golf, mountain biking, running, listening to music, cooking and playing computer games. In general, I used to love life and life was kind to me.

The point of writing this blog is to help with my recovery, but if all I wrote was woe is me, woe is me all the time and then did nothing about it everyone would think I was a bit of a twat. I pool incentive from loads of different places and I have the fortune (or misfortune) to have a particularly strong memory for things that have been said to me; or for events that I have been part of. On the way to golf one morning in the late 90’s my friend James was talking about the fact that there is in general no such thing as luck. Many people often mistakenly view the product of hard work as luck. Not quite a “never was a truer word said by man” moment, but he had a very valid point – hard work usually pays off. The bit of my memory that is a tad weird is that I remember him saying this whilst turning left off Gunnersbury Avenue onto the North Circular to head to the Chiswick roundabout.

I am going to use this wisdom passed down from my friend to undertake the very difficult journey of starting to enjoy myself – something that should not be hard work.

I’ve started running a little already – which as I’ve stated before is one of the best cures for mental malaise, and I am cooking for my mother and in-laws almost every weekend. I am also taking my wife to go and see the Lumineers at the O2 on Friday. I’ve just decided that I’m going to book some snowboard lessons for my son at The Snow Centre in the next few weeks, and  tomorrow I’m going to fit the Polar bike computer I bought a while back to my mountain bike so that I can go for a ride early on Monday morning.

My troubles aren’t in the same league as someone fighting cancer, or those of ordinary citizens fighting in Ukraine right now, but they are my troubles nonetheless and these words are my therapy. If luck does exist, I wish it all on to those people who have these bigger issues to deal with.

Hopefully soon my wife will stop having to pester me to enjoy myself and our house will be a happier place overall.

Scully

Related Posts

Optimism

Optimism

Friday Morning Book Club

Friday Morning Book Club

An Incredible Journey

An Incredible Journey

I’m not vegan, but whole food plant based meals – what harm can a few do?

I’m not vegan, but whole food plant based meals – what harm can a few do?

1 Comment

  1. Good for you Paul! I do think that this pandemic also sucked a lot of joy out of our lives along with the drudgery of ‘middle age’. I totally get what you are saying and agree!! Well done for writing such a thought provoking blog. I think you are helping a lot more than yourself with them. X

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

  • Optimism
    Trying to change my bumper stickers from: To something like: Think I need to work on this a little. https://www.justgiving.com/fundraising/paulrunsformind
  • Friday Morning Book Club
    Maybe it bothers you, or maybe it doesn’t, but if you have a physical disability, a physical difference, or anything about you that manifests visually you can recognise it...
  • An Incredible Journey
    When I was about eight years old I wrote a story at school. I have no idea what we were supposed to be writing about, but apparently I had...
  • I’m not vegan, but whole food plant based meals – what harm can a few do?
    It might be front of mind because I have just read the book “Finding Ultra” by the massively accomplished ultra endurance athlete Rich Roll, but eating too many processed...
  • Sorting out a gym
    I think it is probably illegal to burn twenty pound notes, but that’s what I’m more of less doing each month. I’m shelling out just over £40 for a...

Recent Comments